Ami Mizuno ☿ Sailor Mercury (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
allergictoloveletters) wrote2015-09-09 12:02 pm
allergictoloveletters) wrote2015-09-09 12:02 pm
Cerealia Inbox
"Hello, this is Ami Mizuno. I'm afraid I just missed you. If you would please be so kind as to leave a message, I will get back to you as promptly as I am able. Thank you so much for understanding."
[Action]
She swallows again and closes her eyes, feeling the tears on her lashes.]
I never once asked you to lie about us. [She didn't even want it kept from Hiro. But now the conversation from the carnival rings in her ears.] I didn't want to be some secret.
[Because she was.
And she always had been. She wished she had never liked him. Things were easier when she didn't like anyone in a romantic sense, she'd simply go back to that if this stupid roller-coaster of heart-ache was her only reward. Like a boy, confess, reject, be confessed to, date, break up. All in a month at that. How ridiculously stupid of her to like someone so much who wasn't a senshi, who wasn't her princess. She'd stick to her fondness for scientists and inventors long dead and who were not here. But she couldn't get mad even as the words he kept saying cut deeper than she would have liked. Because then it would be making him choose between herself and Hiro. She finally looked up and locked gazes with Tadashi, wanting him to be as uncomfortable with this as she felt hurt by it.]
No one but you decided to keep us a secret, I made no secret of it. I didn't lie about this, about us, just so the girls might feel more comfortable about it.
[She turned her head and pressed her lips together, taking deep breaths and then turning to look back at him.
She isn't the sort to yell and scream. She isn't the sort to shout accusing words and harsh statements.
The words sit on her tongue but are swallowed.
Because she isn't the sort.
She wants to tell him, to please do her the kindness, that when his brother finally allows him to date someone, to not ask her if she was interested. She didn't think she could handle being rejected in some fashion a third time simply because Hiro, suddenly, no longer approved.
She wants to tell Tadashi he's a coward because he shouldn't have lied in the first place. That it isn't Hiro she's dating, now is it? It had been Tadashi.
She wants to slap him for ever treating her as a secret in the first place, as if she was something to keep hidden be it from being dirty or unworthy compared to his precious brother while she was upfront with all the girls immediately.
But she also wants to tell him she understands, because in truth, he'd never compare to Usagi, just like she didn't compare to Hiro.
But those are words of kindness, and it isn't in her to be that kind right now because Usagi would never be this cruel.
She could be. She could be merciless, ruthless, she could kill in seconds and have no regard for the person if it meant the safety of Earth and her princess.
But Tadashi was no such threat. He was human.
She was not. She took another deep breath and squared her shoulders. She was Princess Mercury, goddess of knowledge, wisdom, and water. This would be just another thing to learn. This would be just another thing to file away. Now that she knew romantic love, she could promptly make sure she never felt it again. Not like this. Not this love.
This sort of love only brought Ami tears. And tears were useless to a senshi. There was no room for tears.]
Is there anything else you need to say?
[Action]
to lie to hiro. it was for both of them — both for hiro and ami. in tadashi's head, he imagined hiro throwing a fit over tadashi dating somebody, and he'd probably say some smack about ami. hiro might be nice and cheery, and the "gentleman" that ami had described him to be, but what he is is a royal brat. and while tadashi adores the living hell out of his brother, he knows the boy's negative sides, too. he knew this would happen.
and while telling the truth is always the best, he did want to be happy. even if it meant living in the shadows for a little while. because being with ami made him happy. telling hiro about ami? it would just cause discord between the two brothers.
hiro did suddenly change his tune and figured that if ami makes him happy, then it's okay to go out with her. but that was hiro talking a second time. it's like taking back his word on something, and while they seem to have reached a compromise, hiro showing disapproval showed the boy's heart.
tadashi really can be blinded by his love for his family. this is one of those times. ]
No.
[ that's about as forward as he can get.
he can go about and defend himself, but he sees no point in it anymore. as much as he likes ami, he doesn't feel like she would understand. ami not lying to the senshi doesn't mean tadashi should have done the same. okay, he should have, but circumstances were different. rei and minako wanted tadashi for ami. why else would they talk to him after the prom? because of his issues about death?
no... it doesn't seem like it. it's not time to ask what their motive was, but at first, he thought they were only doing it for ami. not for tadashi. why else would people you're not close to approach you like that? and it's so unlike him to think ill of people, but right now? he can't help it. not when he believes that ami probably thinks ill of hiro, as well.
he shook his head. ]
There's no point.
[ the hurt he's been feeling's slowly disappearing, only for his love for his brother to surface even more.
"do you like her that much?" hiro had asked this of tadashi earlier, and if he had to choose, it would be hiro's own happiness over his own. even if he had to break people's hearts in the process. ]
[Action]
She looks Tadashi in the eye and hears what he has to say.
She's not numb. She can't be numb, because numb would imply that she was affected by such things as cold and ice and chill. She wasn't. She controlled such things. Water in her cells and ice in her veins. The senshi who was calculating and cold and methodical, who was ruthless and merciless in the face of pleading.
She was not the blazing fire, the hot-temper, the shouting and screaming.
She was creeping, crawling ice along the ground that wrapped around you and froze you to death before realizing there was even ice at all. She was the sort to drown you and watch it. Heartless.
Or so she told herself.
Because heartless was easier right now than hurt. It was kinder as she looked Tadashi in the eye and saw exactly what she suspected. She'd allow herself to be fragile and upset in the privacy of her own room, away from where eyes could see, away from Tadashi's eyes, which held her in contempt.
Because she was weighed and measured and found lacking.]
Then have a pleasant morning, Hamada-san.
[She didn't wait for anything as she turned on her heel to head back in. He wasn't going to grab her wrist and she wasn't going to cry in front of him again. Her hands were shaking from insisting she could be heartless and the urge not to slap him all at once. She swallowed and kept her shoulders square and her back straight. Let him think her heartless and cruel, she would think that of herself as well. Better that than for her to ever be in any sort of romantic love again.
It wasn't worth it.
Just as she was not worth it to him, she would not allow him to be worth it to her. She knew he wouldn't call out to her.
She knew he wasn't going to say he was sorry.
And she wasn't sure she could allow herself to care, because then she might cry. And she would not give someone who found her lacking the right to see her in tears.]
[Action]
right.
this was it.
and it was nice while it lasted.
he could only hope the best for her and for the senshi, because as far as he was concerned, their friendship was over. who would want to be friends with somebody like him, anyway? he's a man with no future. there's no point waiting time with somebody like him. and if she was going to send the senshi his way again, then that's fine. he's prepared for what's to come.
he deserves what's to come.
violence, death, and whatever else. they're more powerful than he is, and while they might save the human race from aliens or whatever evil, he still believed they were human inside. and as much as he respected them, he just can't get rid of the feeling that rei and minako are going to talk to him. again.
whatever...
and so, he walks further and further away from the apartment complex which he hopes to never pass by again. he likes ami... he cares about her a lot, but he cares more about his own brother's happiness than hers.
he's sorry. but he can't say it.
so much for living in the moment. so much for finding a new life. so much for being happy. he'll just go back to his old ways now. that was much better, anyway. and he can't even hate his brother for all of this. instead, he'll just hate himself for letting himself get played by his own whims—his own emotions.
he tucks his hands in his jacket's pockets as he glances back at the apartment. ]
I'm sorry.
[ but she'll never know he is, now. ]